Trial by Fire

I cannot speak

My mind is numb

We were so happy

But you could not come

It was not time yet

But we were so ready

My heart is crushed

My mind consumed

I feel so empty now

Why did you have to go?

It was not time yet

I understand

God has a plan

I just wish I could have held your little hand

My heart is heavy

I cry and cry

The pain of loss

So fresh and new

It cuts so deep

It was not time yet

I hope and pray

You will come someday

Someone Familiar, From Another Life

So pent up
I'm tired of running into this wall that you've put up
Stop trying to make it all go away
You can't survive this fight this way
Let me in
I'll just keep pounding until this wall caves in
I'll fight for you all day long
Just look at me and tell me I'm wrong
To love you
To need you
To see that you are going under
I can't breathe
At the thought
Stand up
You are the only one who is giving up
You've pushed everyone else away
But like it or not I'm here to stay
Don't give in
Cause I don't plan on letting that fool win
You know where the truth lies
So stop believing all those stupid lies
Cause I've never loved so hard in my life
I look at you and I see
Someone familiar, from another life
Perhaps
Oh, do I see me
Here let me remind you what it's like
Oh, let me see if I can show you
What it's like to be free
Let me in
These walls don't keep me out (they just keep you in)
And as hard as I try we both know
You're the only one who can let them go
Go, oh, go
Let go
Explode into me
Scream
Let me have it
I can take it
It's better than this silent shame
I can see that you feel it
And it kills me to know that pain
So let's just run right through it
We'll both feel better in the end (cause it get's better in the end)
Cause I've never loved so hard in my life
I look at you and I see
Someone familiar, from another life
Perhaps
Oh, do I see me
Here let me remind you what it's like
Oh, let me see if I can show you
What it's like to be free
Would you like to be free
You have the right to be free

Determination

Mark and I had a very important fight yesterday morning. I say important because it made me own up to things that I had not yet been willing to admit about myself. I am lazy, selfish, undisciplined and mostly I had not cared about anything at all the past few days. To be honest, I had become quite bitter. I did not want to have to work anymore. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to stay at home and take care of things there without the added pressure of going somewhere else to work for eight hours of the day. We talked about things for a little while and I decided I would try harder to be content with where we were in our lives.
But I know it is more than just me trying to do better. First off, I can never do it in my own power! I know that everything comes down to the simple truth that my relationship with God leaves much to be desired. The fact that I have grown bitter towards the reality that He is my only answer, has only increased my sense of carelessness. I have recently wondered what He would say to me if He were to return now. Would He not know me? Or would I be one who has but wandered from the fold?
I am not saying that I do not love God, or that I do not desire to be closer to Him. I am just lazy and undisciplined. I cannot ask Him to move any closer to me, I must make myself take the steps to move myself closer to Him. Perhaps I need to stop looking for motivation. If I keep waiting for it, I will never get to where I want to be. I cannot make my gain for someone else's purpose; I cannot say I am doing this for someone else because no one needs me to do it! Sure I will be a better wife, sister, daughter, friend, and eventually mother by having a strong and sure relationship with God, but that does not mean I must make that my aim. It must be done for the soul. Because I love God enough to prove it to Him. Do I love God enough to want to spend time with Him? Even if that means getting up at 5a.m.? I can't even get up at 6a.m.! But if I love God I will do it. For my own good, not for any other reason. It's not legalistic, or something I have to do to be a Christian. It's about my life source, my power, my passion. I have been passionless for months, I have felt powerless for weeks, and I am feeling myself fade away physically, emotionally, and most certainly spiritually. I can do nothing without Christ! That has not been more evident than it is right at this moment.
I am done with relying on other people to keep me going, to have the answers that I need, and to be my source of life! They are just as insufficient as I am! I can only hope and pray that my determination does not dwindle in the wee hours of the morning...

Frozen Words

I don't know if I'm just being selfish or if I am actually lonely and have a legitimate problem that needs to be addressed...either way I need to be praying about it. But I feel I am becoming almost bitter about God being the only answer to my problems. And it's not that I am upset that He is, but I guess I dislike that it makes me realize that I do not rely on God for anything it seems. And that comes back to my lack of discipline and focus and desire to pursue Him and His plan for my life. How do you pray for the desire to pray? I guess it all comes down to just doing it until it becomes more than just a daily practice. Until it becomes necessary for survival.

I am lost in my own emotions. I cannot understand myself or why I feel so alone. I have a wonderful husband that loves me more than I could ever ask. Perhaps this time of the absence of friends and family time is so that I can focus on my relationships with my husband and my Savior.

But I feel so trapped inside my own head. I cannot verbally express the things that I am feeling and thinking. My heart is silent, frozen in fear of alerting attention. Have I become so afraind of intimacy that I totally shut down when I get to a certain point with someone? My mouth has frogotten how to form words, my throat is dry and my voice shakey. When I speak, it is but a whisper to your ears, but to my own it is loud as thunder.

It seems I have forgotten how to be comfortable, how to be open with the ones I love.

Learning

What are years that we should count them, weeks that we should account for their passing? For only a moment has yet to pass me by, and that has been my utter despair. I do not count time in minuets and hours, but in breaths and heartbeats and in a life that continues ever on...

The earth continues to circle the sun, the moon has seen it's phases come and go and come again. Yet the ever present moment continues to remain in my mind's eye.

I have learned to let go. I have learned to forgive. I have learned to move forward, to press on, to survive. I have even dared to learn to live on. But that does not mean that the moment is gone.

My heart has settled and my voice is strong once more, but I can still remember when not even a whisper could be heard. The outside was seen as a stone, yet the inside was a raging volcano waiting to explode. Though it never has...

I have been called brave, and strong, and courageous. Yet I see none of these qualities in myself. I have learned however to accept the fact that I will never see what other people see in me.

The Lost

I feel lost. Lost in a world of confusion and insecurity. Trapped in a mindset that I myself put me in. I cannot run away yet that is the only thing I know to do. To face my self. To face me; the pride, the selfishness, the utter laziness and undisciplined wretch that I am. How can I begin again if I cannot tell the truth from the lie? I do not know who I am!

Nameless Child

The first time I saw you, you were crying.

I had just come off a long shift at work and there you were on my doorstep. I don't think you knew you had the wrong house, but I know you didn't care. As I approached you, you stood as if to leave, suddenly realizing you had made a mistake. But no mistake was made that night. When you stood, the light shown brightly on your battered face and you tried in vain to hide the bruises. You apologized for the intrusion and turned to go who knows where. I sat down on the stoop where you had been and asked if you'd stay a little longer. You turned and looked at me, confused you asked,

"What for?"

It was not my smile that calmed you, nor my reassuring words for there were neither. In fact I gave no verbal response at all. I just sat there, waiting for you to come and sit down. Because, you see, I knew you would. And you did. You sat for a moment, staring at your feet before you looked me dead in the eye and said,

"My father did this to me. He didn't give me these bruises, and he didn't kick me out of his house. But he did this to me. You see, he's dead now. Been that way for a long time. But he made me...he made me this way."

I waited for an explanation, but you did not give one. We sat in silence for a bit and I wondered if anything I said to you would take root. After a moment or so of wondering I spoke. I didn't tell you not to blame your father. I didn't inquire about who had hurt you or even what your name was. I simply told you that there was a way to not be that way anymore. That you had a choice, you'd always had one. You didn't need to feel stuck in this man-made mold. You could be who God had in mind. It didn't matter who you were, and it never will.

You looked at me and laughed as if I'd said I could give you a million dollars. And you probably would have believed that more readily. As you stood to leave I shook my head before I rose as well and said,

"I could show you my scars and tell you my past, but that is not what you need. You are young and you still believe the world will give you an answer. So go ahead and look around, I can't stop you anyway."

You turned and walked away.

The last time I saw you you were crying.

You were on my doorstep again. You were smiling and standing tall and I did not need an explanation as to why you had returned. You came to meet me on the sidewalk, catching me in a loving embrace.

"Thank you!" you whispered softly in my ear. I pulled away to look into your eyes. They shone brightly and were wet with tears.

"My Father made me this way." You said softly with a smile. I laughed and you turned to go.

"Won't you stay a little longer?"

With a sad smile you shook your head. The hour was late and you needed to get going. So with one last smile and a wave you turned and walked away.

The last time I saw you, you were free.

Broken Voices

A look
A glance
A moment
It's gone
Too late
You speak your mind
For the hundreth time
And I close my eyes to shut you
Out
It would seem to me
That you can't see anything
I see
Eyes wide open
To the voices in
My head is spinning
Round and round
You talk in circles all the time
I can't get through
This voice is holding you
Captive to your own
Blindness
Can you see me anymore
Will you stop and look at me again
Tell me you need me again
I can't help you
This problem you have you can't even
See my face
When will it stop
This spinning
Round and round
We never seem to get past the hello
That look
That glance
You missed the moment again
When will you understand
I'm sick of trying to
Are you trying too
You make me
Feel
So alone
You make me
Cry
When I get home
You can't see
The way that you're haunting me
Cause I can't speak
Speak
To you

A Little More Perspective

Have you ever had one of those days where you are in such good spirits, and you feel so great that you forget what it was like to be down? Today has been one of those days for me. I even spilled cola on myself getting out of my car at work this morning and yet it's still been one of the best days I've had in a while. I think it all comes down to my attitude and more importantly, my perspective.

Over the last several weeks, and especially this past week, I had been feeling pretty lonely. Not because I was alone, but because I felt I was missing some kind of companionship. Female companionship. Mark and I have been married for almost eight months now and it is just this week that I have come to realize how much I truly miss being around my mom everyday. Even when I lived with Laurie I was able to connect with another woman on a fairly day to day basis. Now I know it is natural for this kind of thing to happen when someone gets married, and I love very much getting to spend time with my husband. But I never really realized how important my girlfriends and my mom really are to me.

So today, I awoke with this realization and it put me in better spirits somehow. I guess just knowing that there is a solution to my problem made me feel more empowered to conquer the day. I would have to say that getting to spend some quality time with Megan last night probably helped out a lot, too. But there is something to knowing what the problem is and having a good chance to diagnose it correctly, that makes us feel better about the situation even before it has actually been remedied.

It's an amazing thing, perspective. It helps us not to worry and fret over things that are already taken care of. It often times brings hope and light to a dark and helpless place. Many times it is not the perspective that we see, but the one we already know that is the key to our trial. Not seeing a solution, or even having full understanding of the problem, but the gentle reminder that our Savior is in control. No matter how hopeless or out of control our trials seem to us, He is always in complete control. He can see the storm diminishing even before we see the dark clouds forming on the horizon. He knows what He is doing in our lives, even if He never lets us in on His plans.

Sticks and Stones

I never thought it would be easy
Oh, but baby this is so hard
I never said I would come easy
But I didn't think you would
Give up from the start
If you don't believe me
Then quit tryin to please me
And let me get back to
This game we call life
It's hard enough
Just tryin to walk on my own
Without you throwing these
Sticks and stones

On the Edge of a Friday

I was looking for Sunday
But I came up with Wednesday
And then you found me on the edge of a Friday
I wish you had spoken
To the one who was broken
Before he had told me
To put it away
You never came here before now
You've never seen this somehow
But I always knew you would be the one
Yeah I always knew you would come to save me
But you never stood with me before
No you never even knew my name
But now here we are on the edge of a Friday
And my hands are shaking from the weight of the world
Don't push me too hard
Cuz I might disregard
That smile that your giving me
Don't put it away
You came here unbroken
But now you have spoken
And now i'm not so sure
You can handle this task
Cuz you've never even been here before now
And you've never seen this part of me somehow
But I still know you are the one who will save me
Even though you've never stood here with me
But somehow you always knew my name
While I was standing on the edge of a Friday
Holding the weight of the world in my hands
In my hands
In my hands
How could you know what is in my hands
In my heart
In my heart
Why don't we start with my heart
Ache, oh
We both know
The outside is just a show
To fool the fools that will never really know
What it's like to stand
On the edge of a Friday
Oh, with the weight
Of the world
Can you hold on
Just hold on (my heart is shaking)
Hold on
Can you please hold on
To the dreams you're dreamin
To the thought you're thinkin
To the love you're breathin
Oh, in my hands
In my hands
What do I hold
In my hands
In my heart
In my heart
Cuz you've always been here before now
And you've always known this very part of me
Somehow
I've always known
You are the one who saved me
Even though
You have stood right here with me
And I'm the one who never really knew my name
All while I was standing
On the edge of a Friday
I'll put the weight
Of the world
In your hands

The Mind Inside My Brain

I've been very contemplative lately. And also very introverted about my thoughts and feelings. I haven't even really talked to my closest friends about what has been going on in my mind. There is a lot I have been pondering, mostly about my past, but also about what my past has to do with my future. I have also been struggling with the realization that the way I relate to God has not been adequate to my needs. I have been too much relying upon others to help me and meet my needs when God is the only One that truly can. My heart aches for closeness, yet I do not take the time to draw close to God. I do not understand my hesitation, except that I have always struggled with the idea of being close to someone that I cannot see, touch, hear or feel. I do see His work in creation and in my own life and I have felt His presence around me a few times. But it is not the same to me as a physical person who can stand right in front of me. Who I can cling to with my own two hands. However, all my life I have been taught that it is possible to have the type of relationship you have with a human being with God the Father. But the older and more independent I have become, the harder this seems to be for me.
Another thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is my relationship with people. Which I guess would go hand in hand with my struggle with relating to God. You can't really expect to fully be able to love and unselfishly serve other people if you don't even know how to relate to Love Himself! I have such a terrible problem with asking for help, and sometimes I feel like all I want is some attention. But then is that always a bad thing? To need someone to pay attention to you for more than ten seconds doesn't seem unreasonable. But to feel that all you ever do is vie for attention-that is bad. I never want to be that person, but I don't think I ever learned how to communicate with people very well. Words are so final to me. Speaking is so very dangerous because you cannot ever take those words back. Writing is different. You can cross out what you don't like or what you don't want to be read later. Speaking has a very real vulnerability to it that scares the crap out of me. I almost never say what I am really thinking; not that I am dishonest-I am just not as raw and blunt as I am in my head. Many times I have been walked upon because I did not voice my thoughts on an issue. I have gotten better with that, but when it comes to what's inside of me-I have only hidden behind my smile and my notebooks.

Secret Formula

Have you figured it out yet
That secret formula to know true love
Have you wrapped your mind around
All that is required
To see the fruits of your labour of love
You sing your love songs
Romance and chemistry and happiness
But what does it say
How do you feel
When the one that you love doesn't need you the same
Anymore
You throw your body away
You think that it must be the way to find
Love
But the only thing you find
Is the empty pages of
Your dry eyes
'Cause you can't even feel anymore
It's getting harder to find
Someone
Who you can feel
Close to
Your cynical eyes
Just drive right by
The ones that would
Keep you safe inside
'Cause LOVE
Isn't a game that you play
It's not the dark eyes and dark skin of last night's
Escapades
It isn't the feeling of barely breathing when you see him smile at you
Oh, you're so tired of feeling empty
And you wonder if you'll ever find
Your soul
How vacant can you be
As vacant as is possible
It seems to me
You've been looking for a love that can't be found
In any human eyes
Stop lookin around
He's always been right here

Self Examination

"Enjoy what you're given" she said. Just a simple phrase that triggered the most insightful examination into myself I think I have ever taken. Why it would cause this, I have no idea. But I do know that I didn't like what I was looking at.
I am lazy; enormously lazy. And I lack the self discipline to correct that very readily. Anything I have ever tried to do on my own I have lost steam within only a few months. If I even make it that far… I lack the dedication, motivation and discipline to keep myself moving forward. Why don’t I have any self discipline? There is a spiritual and emotional piece missing. I have so much knowledge of God yet I do not know my God. Not as well as I should or as closely as it would seem.
I am a fake. Not intentionally, or not as intentionally as the statement itself would imply. I have lived my life on the edge of intimacy. Not too far away as to show lack of interest or trust. But also not close enough to let myself be changed. I have been changed by God. He does not need my help in doing so. But I believe that there is so much more He wants to show me, so many things about Himself and His purpose for me that I cannot see because I do not take the time to look for it. I also believe that I have been struggling so much with my emotions because I do not truly know what those emotions stand for. This is partly due to the fact that I do not pay very close attention to what I am feeling, but also due to the fact that I have not truly taken the time to really identify what my emotions are. What they feel like when I am feeling them, what reactions I give based on how I am feeling, ect.
It all comes down to the fact that I have not made much effort to change the way I am. I have been apathetic and uninterested in taking the steps I needed to move forward. You cannot continue unless you are moving forward. If you are moving backwards, you are not continuing but only retracing your steps. A change in any other direction is to cease on the journey you are on and to begin a new one.
I am terrible at self help; or asking for help; or allowing help to be given. I can come to the aid of others very readily, but I choose to ignore my own problem for the sake of someone else. I wonder why I keep coming back to the same issues, yet I never try to do much about the issue! I have often blamed this on not wanting to “burden” others with my problems but what it actually comes down to is pride. I believe that no one can help me with my situation, when in fact I often cannot do anything about it without the help of others! I usually give little to no thought with bothering God with my problems, thinking if He really wanted to help me I shouldn’t have to ask Him! Which is completely ridiculous because we have the free will to ask for and accept His help if we so choose.
Choice. I do not choose to move forward. I choose to stay stagnant; I choose to stay where I am. I do not know if this stems from my belief of inadequacies, or if I am just stubborn and believe that it will get done in its own time apart from me. In many cases that can be true. But in most, it is up to me to make a move or the opportunity is lost forever.

Give It Up

You're nodding your head at what's been said

And she's tearing you down again

Piece by piece

Oh yeah

You can't get a word in you can't buy your time in

This conversation

You ride it out

Yet again

You let her push you just so she can win

There's no way to change her mind

You'll never be the one she'd had in mind

When you want to walk away

When you want to leave it all behind

She'll give you that reason

The one thing in the back of your mind that you try to let go of but it's stays logged inside

Oh the cut is so deep

You want to cry ya wanna

Sleep

And you can't run away cause the longer you've stayed the more you're aware of the thing

That's been staring you right in the face

Oh let go

Oh give it up

It's that

Liar

You can't even hear your own voice anymore

Yeah let go

Let that scream that you've been holding on to out

Open your mouth

And let go

Open your eyes

It's two a.m.

Again

You can't run and hide anymore

She knows

Just where to push you and just where to pull you

Oh she's screaming again

Have you had enough yet?

Can you cover your ears and run for your life?

Oh, but it's all inside

You can't bring the darkness out to the light

Oh let go

Give it up

Forget that

Liar

Open your heart to hear your voice whispering

Let go

Let out the cry you've been holding inside for so long

Open your heart

And let go

It can't control you

These lies that they've told you

Are all that is

Holding you back

From that life you've always dreamed of

From the One who can get you free of

Oh, all these things you couldn't see before

Are closer than you'd dare dream

So let go

Get it out

Walk away from that

Liar (in the mirror there)

Open your eyes to see what you've been missing

Let it all go

Face the yourself and just let it out

Speak the truth

You've got nothing to lose but the lies you hold on to

Let go

A Little Perspective

"You feel like she's dying on you and you can't save her yet she's next to you. You'll cry your eyes out until the sun sets again."
That was his status on facebook on Tuesday night. My heart sank to my gut as I read it on Wednesday morning. I couldn't even cry about it and I wanted to so badly. I can't imagine how much it hurts him to see me like this; for him to know that he cannot comfort me in my pain.
I had no idea it would be this hard. I had an inkling, but never did I dare think it would tear through both of us so forcefully. Everyone has their demons. I had hoped I had rid myself of them before I settled down. But oh not so! In fact, it has almost been worse since we have gotten married than before. We had begun to deal with this early in our relationship, but nothing truly prepared us for what has surfaced now. I had become scared of him. Of my husband. Of the one man I had chosen to trust my life to. And by no fault of his, mind you. It was all in my mind. The fear, the anxiety, the detachment. I could barely look at him, I was so ashamed and afraid. I searched for words of reassurance, but all that I could speak were words of numbness and fear. I was so numb that I did not even react when he returned to the bedroom angrily shouting his frustration at me. As he knelt by the bed next to me, his eyes on the verge of tears, I wished I could show some kind of emotion to him. That I could cry with him, or at the very least smile at him.
As I lay there in the dark, alone again, I pleaded with God to let me feel something, anything! But as the exhaustion of the day took over me, I could still feel nothing but emptiness.
As he had so plainly confessed, my "moods" were terribly inconsistent. The very next day I couldn't get enough of him, as if I had never been afraid of him to begin with.
Thinking back on those couple of days, and a few others that had passed before, I can see how utterly frustrated and confused he must be! Though I am just as frustrated, as I can no more control the thoughts in my mind as he can! Nor can I account for my body's reactions to the feelings and sensations the thought patterns bring about. I had begun to think of removing myself from all of life-to end it all. Or to at the very least run away from all those I loved, so as to keep them from my pain. Both ideas were of course completely irrational and were dismissed as such. As much as I despise putting my loved ones through the pain of watching me deal with this, I would much rather have them by my side than go it alone.
I do not think that God has forsaken me as I once did, but I believe that He has a reason for my trials. As He has purpose for all things in life. I have gained so much knowledge and perspective on not only myself but on life itself. How people relate to one another. How we relate to God-especially in different circumstances. How we view ourselves.
It amazes me how little we rely on perspective and how much we rely on what is right in front of our faces. We need only to step back and take in the whole picture.

Something More

I've been in that "meant for something more" state of mind again here recently. It's not such a bad thing, but it always gets me discontented with where I happen to be at the moment. Especially when it comes to my employment. I don't have anything negative to say about my current job, except that I am continually bored. I hate being bored. Especially when I believe there are so many more productive things I'd rather be doing. Of course anything is more productive than staring at a computer screen entering the same data everyday or filing that could be done in your sleep. Although, if you asked me what my perfect job would be, I couldn't tell you. Most things that I'd like to do, I'm either not qualified for due to lack of education or don't actually pay anything. Which, honestly, is fine by me. I've never liked the idea of money or having to pay for things anyway.
I guess my biggest problem right now is my loss of significance. I just don't feel very needed or that I'm making much of a difference anymore. I have never looked to my job for fulfilment, mostly because I don't like working and none of my jobs have ever been what I REALLY wanted to do. But lately here, I have nothing else to really look at in terms of feeling significant. Most of my friends have never been very reliant upon my opinion of things, and honestly I don't think they would accept my thoughts for anything anyway. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly. But most of the time I feel it is a one way street. I have always known I would have very few true friends, but it has never been so obvious as it is now. I don't feel needed. Not by them anyway. My husband, of course needs me. He lovingly expresses that to me every day. And my dear Megan, my heart, that is a given. But what about significance in the world, in the broader scheme of things? What am I doing to add to His Kingdom? Who am I ministering to? Am I helping anyone with this path I am on?
I know I am in a place in my life where the people I counted as friends before will begin to dissipate and I will begin making new friends. But why does the process have to be so... separated? The overlap is not even overlapping! I feel so alone much of the time, though not entirely a bad thing. I have begun to see God in many ways I had not seen Him before. I have also begun playing guitar and writing lyrics again. But I have also begun to see how much I truly dislike being alone. Yet I am terrible at asking for companionship. I love my independence, yet I feel I am so dependant on companionship lately.
I guess I am going through a change in my life, in who I am. I don't dislike change, but I always seem to struggle with understanding where I am going in changing. Who will I become? How will things be different for me? Will they be different at all or will I have just changed perspectives?

Conversation

Too many thoughts

Yes, I'm still listening
You know, I don't think I want to go
Anymore

Then why didn't you tell me

Did I just say that out loud

What's going on
Why won't you look at me
I'm talking to you
Hey
Where are you going

I don't know what else to say to you
I think it's time we just move on

Where is this coming from
What's going on

I'm crashing and you can't hear me
My mind has too many voices
You can't see me anymore
Cause I've been hiding inside
I can't tell you that I love you
And I never
Want to leave you
I'm so confused by this feeling on the outside
You never were the one to see me
Crying

Wait don't go
I don't understand
Why can't we just talk about it
Work this out
You haven't even told me
What is it that you need
From me

I'm crashing
Falling down on the inside
Oh, no here I go
Catch me if you can

Baby, please don't leave me alone

I'm reaching out
To hold your hand
But all you can see is me
Walking out the door
Here we are
Only the door between us
I can hear you crying
And all I can do is ask
Why
Why, why, why
Can't I tell you I love you
Never want to leave you
But I'm already gone

Hello

Please come back
I miss you
Please tell me what's going on
We can work this out

You want to work this out

We can work this out

Open the door

Take my hand
Now you're holding me close
You're crying again
I never knew
How can I tell you
You're the only one for me
I can't live without you
But I can't open my mouth to scream
Not even a whisper comes to mind
I'm so scared
But you're holding my hand

What is it, baby
Please tell me

Here it goes
I think I'm dying
I can't breathe anymore
Squeeze my hand
Tell me it's alright
I'm suffocating with all of this inside
I need you to set me free

You're the only one for me

You smile
And I begin to cry

Oh, baby it's ok

No you don't understand
There's so much more
There is so much more inside
I'm so scared

You don't need to be

But that doesn't change
The fact that I am

Oh, my dear
I'm not gonna leave
I'll always be
Right here
For you

That is not
What scares me most
And you can't say that
You don't know

So tell me, love
I'm not afraid
Whatever you have to say
Whatever it is
That is holding you captive
Let it go
We can escape this

Are you sure

I am ready
I'm always ready for you

Mind Games

Tricky thing, the mind. Especially the place where it stores your memories. Often times the things we most want to forget are the easiest to remember. And those wonderful moments we long to cherish forever are oft removed before the memory is even fully made.

I keep asking myself, 'How do I hold on to the things I want to remember? And how do I let go of those things I'd rather not reflect on?' But no answer has come.

When will it rain? When will this desert of emotionless wandering be drenched in the cool downpour of feeling? I am not afraid to feel. I remember what it has been like before; to feel everything and wish to die to be relieved of the overwhelimg tourtment of everything all at once. I am no longer wary of knowing my emotions; living in their ebb and flow, the ever-changing way of things.

I am so tired of being numb. The things that used to move me have become mundane and meaningless. I have no joy, no peace, no love for the things that used to be my lifesource. Am I pushing too hard? Am I trying too much to feel?

Overwhelming odds to fight

Pushing pulling

No one's here to run you down

Anymore

I find out you can't stay

I never knew I would feel this way

Again

I tired to learn the hard way

But found it easier than I should

Cause I've been here too many times

I should have known

I should have never thought

You

Would be different

Everything's the same

When you came

I thought I'd found

Someone to listen

Someone to be mine

But all you did was take my heart and

Push me aside

I tried to learn the hard way

But found it easier than I should

Cause I've been here

Oh, so many times, too many times

Would you hold my hand, my love

I can't see him anymore

I'd rather take this knife out

Don't let me go away again

Let's just leave the bullet in

My heart can't take the waiting

Games

He plays

I run away again

Oh, please hold my hand

Hold my heart

Hold me close

I cannot feel you anymore

I know you're there

I can see you looking down at me

Whispering something sweet

But my ears only hear the voice from then

And you wonder when

I'll be back

What is the TRUTH?

I feel so blind. There is so much going on in my mind.
I can't feel anything and I really don't know how much more I can take.
I hate not being able to feel and respond to the love of my husband- to the love of my friends, my family. I don't feel angry or sad- there is only fear and pain-true real pain. It has been two weeks and I cannot understand why. I know that I am healed and free of this but my body and my mind have been overtaken.
The only reason that I believe I can push on is that I know these things: I am healed. I have been made whole & free of these things.
This is not something that should hold it's power over me.
The light is so hard to see- I am so exhausted and so tired of fighting. The push of my mind to throw my body out of whack is not TRUTH.

Awareness

I feel so alone. It seems the only thing that matters to me right now are my friends and family. I don't care about work. I don't care about the concerns of the world at all. I just want to spend time with the people I care about the most. Is this what most people spend their entire lives trying to figure out: that in the end all that matters is God and the people He has placed around you?
I am so tired of being pushed around by my past. I can't seem to shake it's hold on me. And every time I seem to drag someone new into my realm of darkness and fear. I am so frustrated with myself because I can't seem to get a grip on reality. The here and now.
I feel so detached, so separated from the worlds. I need comfort-but for what? I am so numb and I can't feel anything. I hate focusing on myself-I can't motivate myself to do anything productive-at all. I feel so disgusting and dirty. Like no matter how many times I shower- I'll never be clean. But I am clean!! I have been washed and restored and made whole! Then why do I allow my past to come and haunt me? I feel so weak, so helpless. I have been pushed to the limit, yet I am still standing here. I am still moving forward-even though I feel I have just taken several steps back in the healing process...
Is this how it works? Must I continue to return to this place time and again, just to learn how to keep moving on? Is this the "healing process"?
GOD!!! I am so frustrated! I guess this is my 'thorn in the side', perhaps? The cross I must bear? I understand the power of my testimony and the passion that I have for seeing the ugliness of sexual abuse brought to light makes me wonder if I will actually make some kind of difference. But the truth is, it won't matter in the end. Only how I choose to respond will matter. Only that I act in a way that will glorify my King. How do I do that in this situation? I cannot let myself be overcome with fear and anger. I must continue to remember who has saved me and that this all will one day disappear. Is it wrong to wish that day be today?

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-38

Honestly...

This is something I wrote about two and a half years ago. It is still one of my favorites just because there is so much raw emotion and honesty in it. A lot of it I still find myself struggling with at times... And there's part of it that could be a good song, too.


So what is the point of all of this? What does it matter to share my heart when no one cares to hear it? How can I speak when everyone can't hear me anyway?
Drown out the applause and the laughter in tears.
I can't expect them to understand my fear.
No one knows and it's all my fault
I try to run and hide
I try to find a way to scream it out loud
But all I am left with are the stares and temporary cares
I run out of excuses
I run out of tears
I run
I run
I run until I can't see straight and the only thing I've lost is who I am
I can't stand still anymore
They can see right through my facade
Can they? Are they really that perceptive?
Or do I have to tell them?
Do I have to spell it out?
I know you aren't blind and dumb
I know you know something isn't sitting right
And I don't blame anyone but myself for the things I feel
If I knew how to speak you would know every word that rages in my head
If I knew I could open my mouth and not feel a thing
But that never happens
I am never safe from feeling
What am I afraid of?
You?
Me?
Them?
Us?
We?
Who?
What?
Who knows what blocks my perception of grace
Who can tell me where my fear of you is rooted
So what am I trying to say to you?
I need you
I love you
I can't breathe and it's all falling to pieces
I'm so vague
So let me tell you straight
I'm bored out of my mind but I can't call you because I'm afraid of interrupting your life
I'm alone
And that scares me because I'm not sure what I may do and I can't hold on to you because you're not here
I'm lost and I don't know where to turn
This is not unfamiliar territory
In fact it's quite the opposite
I've been here so many times before
But I can't turn around and run away anymore
I have to face this
And I can't do it all alone
But I can't ask you to help me because I don't know what to do
So I've just been standing here
Hoping you would notice I'm not moving
So maybe I could open my mouth and cry
Maybe I could open my mouth and actually speak
But I am frozen in time
Many moments my reality is that of a ten year old girl afraid to even utter a whisper
One day, you'll see, I'll be free of this thing
And then you won't even know me
Cause I'll be gone and you'll still be here waiting for me
I'll fly away in the middle of the day
Not running anymore
Free to be whoever I am
Exploring my options
Running my own scam
Telling people that I care
But not really
Never staying in one place for long
Cause that's just too comfortable
I'll be free though, you'll see
I'll be out of this town, this idea, this mind
You won't see me anymore
Cause I won't be here
I won't be stuck in this place anymore...
But is that what we are really looking for?
Do I really need to leave you behind?
I'm not stuck in this place
I'm stuck in this mindset of not being free to speak
No matter how far I go
It'll always follow me
Never letting me go
Until I let loose my grip on this thing
This thing I can't even identify
But when I let it go you have to help me
Cause I don't even know what I'm letting go of
You have to remind me I'm alright
Without this thing of pain
I'm alright just being me
Set me free
I'm tired of being alone and scared
So I'm telling you everything
But you can't look away
You can't avoid the ugliness
Cause this thing that has it's hold on me is ugly
And I can't even stand to look at it
But I have to face it
I have to look it in the eye and say no more
But how can I expect you to help me if you don't even know what's going on?
How do I know you are listening?
How can I be sure you are here by my side?
I guess I'll just have to speak
I guess I'll just have to tell you
Are you here?
Can you hear me?

What is this?

I am drowning. My lungs are burning from the lack of oxygen. I try to kick towards the surface, but my legs are tied. This is new. It is always the anxiety, but I'm not sure what this is all about. I can feel the fear as it grabs my ankles and drags me further below the surface. Where is the trigger? I've never been very good at really identifying them; my situations are always different. I scream. The last of my breath floats up toward the surface. My hands, following the bubbles, try fruitlessly to hold on to them.

My stomach is in knots, my chest rapidly caving in upon me. I cannot rationalize this fear, this anxiety. The more I try to talk it out, the more confused I become. What am I afraid of? Why are my hands trembling and why is my head spinning? I can't think straight anymore unless I focus on a goal. Even then I must take small steps towards it.

On the verge of tears, I speak. But what I say offers no clues. I want to sob, to cry uncontrollably. But I hold back the tears and speak softly. I am trembling. Is it the chill in the air or am I terrified of what I am saying? What am I saying? I can't remember.

I can still feel the pain. It is in my core and it's making me nauseous. My brain won't shut off, won't kick the image out. Oh, God! the pain! I tell myself not to think about it, but I don't really listen very well. Have I once again entered in to the world of remembering? Shall I remain in this place for a while, even though it is so painful? How do I rid myself of these bonds and push myself to the surface?

The List

So this is something that I wrote nearly three years ago. It is amazing to me to see how much and yet how little has changed for me. It's funny that this still says so much about how I am feeling. Maybe it really is this time of year...

So thoroughly have I drained myself, so unimportant pride begone

How do i tear the heart of stone to shreds so that only your heart of flesh remains?

Where do I go to pull myself up again?

How do I face you? How do I scream?

Explosions of fear and anger

Who would have thought a mouse could roar?

Can I let myself go? Do I share this utter tragedy?

Am I weak enough to run away? Do I have the strength to remain?

Can I speak with a look?

Will my heart break to share this pain?

Or mst I forever remain in the fear of never being heard?

If I speak, I am broken

If I do not, I am boarded up and forgotten

Oh, God! Teach me to scream!

To cry, to fall, to be broken down

To be vulnerable

Open me

Give me the voice I need to whisper

The ears I need to hear your own

Make me strong enough to stay

Weak enough to run away

From fear, from apathy, from unforgiveness

My pride is torn

Rip it from my trembling hands

Words unspoken whisper

Peace unimpressed percieved

Bitterness uninvited abandonded

Grace unaccepted lavished

Lips unsealed, mercy appealed

Tolerance is no longer the answer

Frustration

Anger, hate blocking my view

I can no longer see you

How did I turn? Where did i run to stand on my own?

Am I running for the sake of escape?

Or for the focus of problems already laid down?

Daily

Give up

Take in

Begin

End

Reconcile

Alienate

Forgive

Convict

Forget

Remember

Running never saved anyone

Fleeing doesn't solve the problem

Giving up when all is lost

When would we be challenged?

How would we grow?

My heart torn from it's colw unwelcoming birthplace

Thrown into your fire

Burned

Melted

Molded

Formed

Into the feeling beating passionate

Evidence of grace

Now truly a heart of worth

Pure

Whole

Uncalloused

Transformed

What is the meaning of words unspoken?

When is the moment they are transformed into defining truths?

Spoken secrets

Hidden pain revealed

Unveiled tragedy

Scars unseen exposed

Tears unfallen surrendered

Life and death

Turth and deceit

Joy and despair

Unexposed I hold too dear to this pain

Breaking Point

Everyone has their breaking point. If you push hard enough, you will find it. I have been crushed. Crumbled to pieces and I didn't even know it. For a while. But then when I tried to look at you, I couldn't even smile. That's when I knew. That's when I felt the last piece fall to the floor. I tried to stand strong, I really did. But everyone has their breaking point.

I am so tired, oh so very tired. And I am hoping that I'm not depressed. I can feel that I may be, but I don't want to be. There is so much hope, so much love that has surrounded me, yet I feel so sad. What am I sad about? Have I been remembering too much recently? It doesn't hurt like it used to, so why am I feeling so much? Not everything is a negative emotion (even some "negative" emotions are good when used properly). Elation, joy, love, and compassion have all been frequently felt. However they are often coupled with fear, anger, shame, and apprehension. Am I unconcsiously defending myself from an imagined enemy? Am I reliving the emotions of the past-but these are not the same-because I am working more towards recounting them? I feel sad and happy at the same time. My brain does not know what to do, I keep having small flashes of me falling. Am I afraid I will lose myself again?