Nameless Child

The first time I saw you, you were crying.

I had just come off a long shift at work and there you were on my doorstep. I don't think you knew you had the wrong house, but I know you didn't care. As I approached you, you stood as if to leave, suddenly realizing you had made a mistake. But no mistake was made that night. When you stood, the light shown brightly on your battered face and you tried in vain to hide the bruises. You apologized for the intrusion and turned to go who knows where. I sat down on the stoop where you had been and asked if you'd stay a little longer. You turned and looked at me, confused you asked,

"What for?"

It was not my smile that calmed you, nor my reassuring words for there were neither. In fact I gave no verbal response at all. I just sat there, waiting for you to come and sit down. Because, you see, I knew you would. And you did. You sat for a moment, staring at your feet before you looked me dead in the eye and said,

"My father did this to me. He didn't give me these bruises, and he didn't kick me out of his house. But he did this to me. You see, he's dead now. Been that way for a long time. But he made me...he made me this way."

I waited for an explanation, but you did not give one. We sat in silence for a bit and I wondered if anything I said to you would take root. After a moment or so of wondering I spoke. I didn't tell you not to blame your father. I didn't inquire about who had hurt you or even what your name was. I simply told you that there was a way to not be that way anymore. That you had a choice, you'd always had one. You didn't need to feel stuck in this man-made mold. You could be who God had in mind. It didn't matter who you were, and it never will.

You looked at me and laughed as if I'd said I could give you a million dollars. And you probably would have believed that more readily. As you stood to leave I shook my head before I rose as well and said,

"I could show you my scars and tell you my past, but that is not what you need. You are young and you still believe the world will give you an answer. So go ahead and look around, I can't stop you anyway."

You turned and walked away.

The last time I saw you you were crying.

You were on my doorstep again. You were smiling and standing tall and I did not need an explanation as to why you had returned. You came to meet me on the sidewalk, catching me in a loving embrace.

"Thank you!" you whispered softly in my ear. I pulled away to look into your eyes. They shone brightly and were wet with tears.

"My Father made me this way." You said softly with a smile. I laughed and you turned to go.

"Won't you stay a little longer?"

With a sad smile you shook your head. The hour was late and you needed to get going. So with one last smile and a wave you turned and walked away.

The last time I saw you, you were free.

Broken Voices

A look
A glance
A moment
It's gone
Too late
You speak your mind
For the hundreth time
And I close my eyes to shut you
Out
It would seem to me
That you can't see anything
I see
Eyes wide open
To the voices in
My head is spinning
Round and round
You talk in circles all the time
I can't get through
This voice is holding you
Captive to your own
Blindness
Can you see me anymore
Will you stop and look at me again
Tell me you need me again
I can't help you
This problem you have you can't even
See my face
When will it stop
This spinning
Round and round
We never seem to get past the hello
That look
That glance
You missed the moment again
When will you understand
I'm sick of trying to
Are you trying too
You make me
Feel
So alone
You make me
Cry
When I get home
You can't see
The way that you're haunting me
Cause I can't speak
Speak
To you

A Little More Perspective

Have you ever had one of those days where you are in such good spirits, and you feel so great that you forget what it was like to be down? Today has been one of those days for me. I even spilled cola on myself getting out of my car at work this morning and yet it's still been one of the best days I've had in a while. I think it all comes down to my attitude and more importantly, my perspective.

Over the last several weeks, and especially this past week, I had been feeling pretty lonely. Not because I was alone, but because I felt I was missing some kind of companionship. Female companionship. Mark and I have been married for almost eight months now and it is just this week that I have come to realize how much I truly miss being around my mom everyday. Even when I lived with Laurie I was able to connect with another woman on a fairly day to day basis. Now I know it is natural for this kind of thing to happen when someone gets married, and I love very much getting to spend time with my husband. But I never really realized how important my girlfriends and my mom really are to me.

So today, I awoke with this realization and it put me in better spirits somehow. I guess just knowing that there is a solution to my problem made me feel more empowered to conquer the day. I would have to say that getting to spend some quality time with Megan last night probably helped out a lot, too. But there is something to knowing what the problem is and having a good chance to diagnose it correctly, that makes us feel better about the situation even before it has actually been remedied.

It's an amazing thing, perspective. It helps us not to worry and fret over things that are already taken care of. It often times brings hope and light to a dark and helpless place. Many times it is not the perspective that we see, but the one we already know that is the key to our trial. Not seeing a solution, or even having full understanding of the problem, but the gentle reminder that our Savior is in control. No matter how hopeless or out of control our trials seem to us, He is always in complete control. He can see the storm diminishing even before we see the dark clouds forming on the horizon. He knows what He is doing in our lives, even if He never lets us in on His plans.

Sticks and Stones

I never thought it would be easy
Oh, but baby this is so hard
I never said I would come easy
But I didn't think you would
Give up from the start
If you don't believe me
Then quit tryin to please me
And let me get back to
This game we call life
It's hard enough
Just tryin to walk on my own
Without you throwing these
Sticks and stones

On the Edge of a Friday

I was looking for Sunday
But I came up with Wednesday
And then you found me on the edge of a Friday
I wish you had spoken
To the one who was broken
Before he had told me
To put it away
You never came here before now
You've never seen this somehow
But I always knew you would be the one
Yeah I always knew you would come to save me
But you never stood with me before
No you never even knew my name
But now here we are on the edge of a Friday
And my hands are shaking from the weight of the world
Don't push me too hard
Cuz I might disregard
That smile that your giving me
Don't put it away
You came here unbroken
But now you have spoken
And now i'm not so sure
You can handle this task
Cuz you've never even been here before now
And you've never seen this part of me somehow
But I still know you are the one who will save me
Even though you've never stood here with me
But somehow you always knew my name
While I was standing on the edge of a Friday
Holding the weight of the world in my hands
In my hands
In my hands
How could you know what is in my hands
In my heart
In my heart
Why don't we start with my heart
Ache, oh
We both know
The outside is just a show
To fool the fools that will never really know
What it's like to stand
On the edge of a Friday
Oh, with the weight
Of the world
Can you hold on
Just hold on (my heart is shaking)
Hold on
Can you please hold on
To the dreams you're dreamin
To the thought you're thinkin
To the love you're breathin
Oh, in my hands
In my hands
What do I hold
In my hands
In my heart
In my heart
Cuz you've always been here before now
And you've always known this very part of me
Somehow
I've always known
You are the one who saved me
Even though
You have stood right here with me
And I'm the one who never really knew my name
All while I was standing
On the edge of a Friday
I'll put the weight
Of the world
In your hands