Motherhood

So, I had one of the scariest mornings of my short time as a Mother this past Monday. My sweet Ian had to be rushed to the ER with a gash in the back of his head. Thankfully, Mark was home to take him, so I could stay home with the younger two.
But my mind could not settle, I was sobbing, pacing, trembling. I wanted to be there with him at the hospital. Hold his hand. Comfort him when they put the staples in. I didn't know if he had cracked his skull, if he would need an x-ray, a CT scan. Would he have to stay the night? I prayed as I paced and tended to my babies, and as Mark updated me periodically, I began to calm.

Of course as soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew he was just fine. His father had done a perfect job taking care of him and keeping him calm and occupied. He has always been my brave little bear as he has always taken falls, scrapes and scratches in stride. This was no different. He was back to his normal self by the time he got lunch in him.

The whole experience showed me just how out of control life is. How we never know what the next moment holds, so each moment is important. We cannot savor each moment or live in each moment or even ponder each moment most days, but we can remember that our God holds them all. The good ones and the bad. And most importantly, He holds our babies, because they are His. He loves and cherishes them a thousand times more than we do. We are simply stewards of their little hearts and minds for a short while. 

I am so grateful that He chose me to be Ian and Caleb and Emily's Mother. They teach me each day and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Sweet Ian having a snack after his trip to the ER.

Looking Back

As I am sitting at my desk typing this, it's raining outside. The washing machine is spinning with a load of clothes and the wonders of satellite are bringing beautiful praise and worship music into my living room. I am reflecting on how different my life has become in the last six to eight months. Mark and I have moved to another city for his new job, which he is doing marvelous at. I have no job, nothing steady yet anyway, but I am also going to start school this month to get my Associates in Accounting. It feels like so much of a high compared to where we were.
Six months ago I felt like I was losing everything. I lost my job, then I lost the baby. Mark was getting nowhere with his job search and I was learning how I grieve all over again.
It always amazes me how things seem in hindsight. No matter how bad things are, once you get through them (and you always do) it never seems as bad as you thought it was. Most of the time I have found that the bad is a blessing in disguise. Character is built and perserverence is strengthened. I got to see myself as I really was and I needed some work. And God's been working on me! I believe that we are never finished being molded and shaped by God, and this has been one of the most difficult yet rewarding times in my life. I have never been very good at keeping up relationships with people, and moving an hour away from most of the people I considered good friends has not helped the situation. But it has taught me to be less dependent on other people and more dependent on God as my sustainer. It has also taught me to be more open to new friends and value the relationships I have.
I am looking forward to seeing what the next six months has in store.

Trial by Fire

I cannot speak

My mind is numb

We were so happy

But you could not come

It was not time yet

But we were so ready

My heart is crushed

My mind consumed

I feel so empty now

Why did you have to go?

It was not time yet

I understand

God has a plan

I just wish I could have held your little hand

My heart is heavy

I cry and cry

The pain of loss

So fresh and new

It cuts so deep

It was not time yet

I hope and pray

You will come someday

Someone Familiar, From Another Life

So pent up
I'm tired of running into this wall that you've put up
Stop trying to make it all go away
You can't survive this fight this way
Let me in
I'll just keep pounding until this wall caves in
I'll fight for you all day long
Just look at me and tell me I'm wrong
To love you
To need you
To see that you are going under
I can't breathe
At the thought
Stand up
You are the only one who is giving up
You've pushed everyone else away
But like it or not I'm here to stay
Don't give in
Cause I don't plan on letting that fool win
You know where the truth lies
So stop believing all those stupid lies
Cause I've never loved so hard in my life
I look at you and I see
Someone familiar, from another life
Perhaps
Oh, do I see me
Here let me remind you what it's like
Oh, let me see if I can show you
What it's like to be free
Let me in
These walls don't keep me out (they just keep you in)
And as hard as I try we both know
You're the only one who can let them go
Go, oh, go
Let go
Explode into me
Scream
Let me have it
I can take it
It's better than this silent shame
I can see that you feel it
And it kills me to know that pain
So let's just run right through it
We'll both feel better in the end (cause it get's better in the end)
Cause I've never loved so hard in my life
I look at you and I see
Someone familiar, from another life
Perhaps
Oh, do I see me
Here let me remind you what it's like
Oh, let me see if I can show you
What it's like to be free
Would you like to be free
You have the right to be free

Determination

Mark and I had a very important fight yesterday morning. I say important because it made me own up to things that I had not yet been willing to admit about myself. I am lazy, selfish, undisciplined and mostly I had not cared about anything at all the past few days. To be honest, I had become quite bitter. I did not want to have to work anymore. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to stay at home and take care of things there without the added pressure of going somewhere else to work for eight hours of the day. We talked about things for a little while and I decided I would try harder to be content with where we were in our lives.
But I know it is more than just me trying to do better. First off, I can never do it in my own power! I know that everything comes down to the simple truth that my relationship with God leaves much to be desired. The fact that I have grown bitter towards the reality that He is my only answer, has only increased my sense of carelessness. I have recently wondered what He would say to me if He were to return now. Would He not know me? Or would I be one who has but wandered from the fold?
I am not saying that I do not love God, or that I do not desire to be closer to Him. I am just lazy and undisciplined. I cannot ask Him to move any closer to me, I must make myself take the steps to move myself closer to Him. Perhaps I need to stop looking for motivation. If I keep waiting for it, I will never get to where I want to be. I cannot make my gain for someone else's purpose; I cannot say I am doing this for someone else because no one needs me to do it! Sure I will be a better wife, sister, daughter, friend, and eventually mother by having a strong and sure relationship with God, but that does not mean I must make that my aim. It must be done for the soul. Because I love God enough to prove it to Him. Do I love God enough to want to spend time with Him? Even if that means getting up at 5a.m.? I can't even get up at 6a.m.! But if I love God I will do it. For my own good, not for any other reason. It's not legalistic, or something I have to do to be a Christian. It's about my life source, my power, my passion. I have been passionless for months, I have felt powerless for weeks, and I am feeling myself fade away physically, emotionally, and most certainly spiritually. I can do nothing without Christ! That has not been more evident than it is right at this moment.
I am done with relying on other people to keep me going, to have the answers that I need, and to be my source of life! They are just as insufficient as I am! I can only hope and pray that my determination does not dwindle in the wee hours of the morning...

Frozen Words

I don't know if I'm just being selfish or if I am actually lonely and have a legitimate problem that needs to be addressed...either way I need to be praying about it. But I feel I am becoming almost bitter about God being the only answer to my problems. And it's not that I am upset that He is, but I guess I dislike that it makes me realize that I do not rely on God for anything it seems. And that comes back to my lack of discipline and focus and desire to pursue Him and His plan for my life. How do you pray for the desire to pray? I guess it all comes down to just doing it until it becomes more than just a daily practice. Until it becomes necessary for survival.

I am lost in my own emotions. I cannot understand myself or why I feel so alone. I have a wonderful husband that loves me more than I could ever ask. Perhaps this time of the absence of friends and family time is so that I can focus on my relationships with my husband and my Savior.

But I feel so trapped inside my own head. I cannot verbally express the things that I am feeling and thinking. My heart is silent, frozen in fear of alerting attention. Have I become so afraind of intimacy that I totally shut down when I get to a certain point with someone? My mouth has frogotten how to form words, my throat is dry and my voice shakey. When I speak, it is but a whisper to your ears, but to my own it is loud as thunder.

It seems I have forgotten how to be comfortable, how to be open with the ones I love.

Learning

What are years that we should count them, weeks that we should account for their passing? For only a moment has yet to pass me by, and that has been my utter despair. I do not count time in minuets and hours, but in breaths and heartbeats and in a life that continues ever on...

The earth continues to circle the sun, the moon has seen it's phases come and go and come again. Yet the ever present moment continues to remain in my mind's eye.

I have learned to let go. I have learned to forgive. I have learned to move forward, to press on, to survive. I have even dared to learn to live on. But that does not mean that the moment is gone.

My heart has settled and my voice is strong once more, but I can still remember when not even a whisper could be heard. The outside was seen as a stone, yet the inside was a raging volcano waiting to explode. Though it never has...

I have been called brave, and strong, and courageous. Yet I see none of these qualities in myself. I have learned however to accept the fact that I will never see what other people see in me.