The Mind Inside My Brain

I've been very contemplative lately. And also very introverted about my thoughts and feelings. I haven't even really talked to my closest friends about what has been going on in my mind. There is a lot I have been pondering, mostly about my past, but also about what my past has to do with my future. I have also been struggling with the realization that the way I relate to God has not been adequate to my needs. I have been too much relying upon others to help me and meet my needs when God is the only One that truly can. My heart aches for closeness, yet I do not take the time to draw close to God. I do not understand my hesitation, except that I have always struggled with the idea of being close to someone that I cannot see, touch, hear or feel. I do see His work in creation and in my own life and I have felt His presence around me a few times. But it is not the same to me as a physical person who can stand right in front of me. Who I can cling to with my own two hands. However, all my life I have been taught that it is possible to have the type of relationship you have with a human being with God the Father. But the older and more independent I have become, the harder this seems to be for me.
Another thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is my relationship with people. Which I guess would go hand in hand with my struggle with relating to God. You can't really expect to fully be able to love and unselfishly serve other people if you don't even know how to relate to Love Himself! I have such a terrible problem with asking for help, and sometimes I feel like all I want is some attention. But then is that always a bad thing? To need someone to pay attention to you for more than ten seconds doesn't seem unreasonable. But to feel that all you ever do is vie for attention-that is bad. I never want to be that person, but I don't think I ever learned how to communicate with people very well. Words are so final to me. Speaking is so very dangerous because you cannot ever take those words back. Writing is different. You can cross out what you don't like or what you don't want to be read later. Speaking has a very real vulnerability to it that scares the crap out of me. I almost never say what I am really thinking; not that I am dishonest-I am just not as raw and blunt as I am in my head. Many times I have been walked upon because I did not voice my thoughts on an issue. I have gotten better with that, but when it comes to what's inside of me-I have only hidden behind my smile and my notebooks.

Secret Formula

Have you figured it out yet
That secret formula to know true love
Have you wrapped your mind around
All that is required
To see the fruits of your labour of love
You sing your love songs
Romance and chemistry and happiness
But what does it say
How do you feel
When the one that you love doesn't need you the same
Anymore
You throw your body away
You think that it must be the way to find
Love
But the only thing you find
Is the empty pages of
Your dry eyes
'Cause you can't even feel anymore
It's getting harder to find
Someone
Who you can feel
Close to
Your cynical eyes
Just drive right by
The ones that would
Keep you safe inside
'Cause LOVE
Isn't a game that you play
It's not the dark eyes and dark skin of last night's
Escapades
It isn't the feeling of barely breathing when you see him smile at you
Oh, you're so tired of feeling empty
And you wonder if you'll ever find
Your soul
How vacant can you be
As vacant as is possible
It seems to me
You've been looking for a love that can't be found
In any human eyes
Stop lookin around
He's always been right here

Self Examination

"Enjoy what you're given" she said. Just a simple phrase that triggered the most insightful examination into myself I think I have ever taken. Why it would cause this, I have no idea. But I do know that I didn't like what I was looking at.
I am lazy; enormously lazy. And I lack the self discipline to correct that very readily. Anything I have ever tried to do on my own I have lost steam within only a few months. If I even make it that far… I lack the dedication, motivation and discipline to keep myself moving forward. Why don’t I have any self discipline? There is a spiritual and emotional piece missing. I have so much knowledge of God yet I do not know my God. Not as well as I should or as closely as it would seem.
I am a fake. Not intentionally, or not as intentionally as the statement itself would imply. I have lived my life on the edge of intimacy. Not too far away as to show lack of interest or trust. But also not close enough to let myself be changed. I have been changed by God. He does not need my help in doing so. But I believe that there is so much more He wants to show me, so many things about Himself and His purpose for me that I cannot see because I do not take the time to look for it. I also believe that I have been struggling so much with my emotions because I do not truly know what those emotions stand for. This is partly due to the fact that I do not pay very close attention to what I am feeling, but also due to the fact that I have not truly taken the time to really identify what my emotions are. What they feel like when I am feeling them, what reactions I give based on how I am feeling, ect.
It all comes down to the fact that I have not made much effort to change the way I am. I have been apathetic and uninterested in taking the steps I needed to move forward. You cannot continue unless you are moving forward. If you are moving backwards, you are not continuing but only retracing your steps. A change in any other direction is to cease on the journey you are on and to begin a new one.
I am terrible at self help; or asking for help; or allowing help to be given. I can come to the aid of others very readily, but I choose to ignore my own problem for the sake of someone else. I wonder why I keep coming back to the same issues, yet I never try to do much about the issue! I have often blamed this on not wanting to “burden” others with my problems but what it actually comes down to is pride. I believe that no one can help me with my situation, when in fact I often cannot do anything about it without the help of others! I usually give little to no thought with bothering God with my problems, thinking if He really wanted to help me I shouldn’t have to ask Him! Which is completely ridiculous because we have the free will to ask for and accept His help if we so choose.
Choice. I do not choose to move forward. I choose to stay stagnant; I choose to stay where I am. I do not know if this stems from my belief of inadequacies, or if I am just stubborn and believe that it will get done in its own time apart from me. In many cases that can be true. But in most, it is up to me to make a move or the opportunity is lost forever.

Give It Up

You're nodding your head at what's been said

And she's tearing you down again

Piece by piece

Oh yeah

You can't get a word in you can't buy your time in

This conversation

You ride it out

Yet again

You let her push you just so she can win

There's no way to change her mind

You'll never be the one she'd had in mind

When you want to walk away

When you want to leave it all behind

She'll give you that reason

The one thing in the back of your mind that you try to let go of but it's stays logged inside

Oh the cut is so deep

You want to cry ya wanna

Sleep

And you can't run away cause the longer you've stayed the more you're aware of the thing

That's been staring you right in the face

Oh let go

Oh give it up

It's that

Liar

You can't even hear your own voice anymore

Yeah let go

Let that scream that you've been holding on to out

Open your mouth

And let go

Open your eyes

It's two a.m.

Again

You can't run and hide anymore

She knows

Just where to push you and just where to pull you

Oh she's screaming again

Have you had enough yet?

Can you cover your ears and run for your life?

Oh, but it's all inside

You can't bring the darkness out to the light

Oh let go

Give it up

Forget that

Liar

Open your heart to hear your voice whispering

Let go

Let out the cry you've been holding inside for so long

Open your heart

And let go

It can't control you

These lies that they've told you

Are all that is

Holding you back

From that life you've always dreamed of

From the One who can get you free of

Oh, all these things you couldn't see before

Are closer than you'd dare dream

So let go

Get it out

Walk away from that

Liar (in the mirror there)

Open your eyes to see what you've been missing

Let it all go

Face the yourself and just let it out

Speak the truth

You've got nothing to lose but the lies you hold on to

Let go

A Little Perspective

"You feel like she's dying on you and you can't save her yet she's next to you. You'll cry your eyes out until the sun sets again."
That was his status on facebook on Tuesday night. My heart sank to my gut as I read it on Wednesday morning. I couldn't even cry about it and I wanted to so badly. I can't imagine how much it hurts him to see me like this; for him to know that he cannot comfort me in my pain.
I had no idea it would be this hard. I had an inkling, but never did I dare think it would tear through both of us so forcefully. Everyone has their demons. I had hoped I had rid myself of them before I settled down. But oh not so! In fact, it has almost been worse since we have gotten married than before. We had begun to deal with this early in our relationship, but nothing truly prepared us for what has surfaced now. I had become scared of him. Of my husband. Of the one man I had chosen to trust my life to. And by no fault of his, mind you. It was all in my mind. The fear, the anxiety, the detachment. I could barely look at him, I was so ashamed and afraid. I searched for words of reassurance, but all that I could speak were words of numbness and fear. I was so numb that I did not even react when he returned to the bedroom angrily shouting his frustration at me. As he knelt by the bed next to me, his eyes on the verge of tears, I wished I could show some kind of emotion to him. That I could cry with him, or at the very least smile at him.
As I lay there in the dark, alone again, I pleaded with God to let me feel something, anything! But as the exhaustion of the day took over me, I could still feel nothing but emptiness.
As he had so plainly confessed, my "moods" were terribly inconsistent. The very next day I couldn't get enough of him, as if I had never been afraid of him to begin with.
Thinking back on those couple of days, and a few others that had passed before, I can see how utterly frustrated and confused he must be! Though I am just as frustrated, as I can no more control the thoughts in my mind as he can! Nor can I account for my body's reactions to the feelings and sensations the thought patterns bring about. I had begun to think of removing myself from all of life-to end it all. Or to at the very least run away from all those I loved, so as to keep them from my pain. Both ideas were of course completely irrational and were dismissed as such. As much as I despise putting my loved ones through the pain of watching me deal with this, I would much rather have them by my side than go it alone.
I do not think that God has forsaken me as I once did, but I believe that He has a reason for my trials. As He has purpose for all things in life. I have gained so much knowledge and perspective on not only myself but on life itself. How people relate to one another. How we relate to God-especially in different circumstances. How we view ourselves.
It amazes me how little we rely on perspective and how much we rely on what is right in front of our faces. We need only to step back and take in the whole picture.