A Little Perspective

"You feel like she's dying on you and you can't save her yet she's next to you. You'll cry your eyes out until the sun sets again."
That was his status on facebook on Tuesday night. My heart sank to my gut as I read it on Wednesday morning. I couldn't even cry about it and I wanted to so badly. I can't imagine how much it hurts him to see me like this; for him to know that he cannot comfort me in my pain.
I had no idea it would be this hard. I had an inkling, but never did I dare think it would tear through both of us so forcefully. Everyone has their demons. I had hoped I had rid myself of them before I settled down. But oh not so! In fact, it has almost been worse since we have gotten married than before. We had begun to deal with this early in our relationship, but nothing truly prepared us for what has surfaced now. I had become scared of him. Of my husband. Of the one man I had chosen to trust my life to. And by no fault of his, mind you. It was all in my mind. The fear, the anxiety, the detachment. I could barely look at him, I was so ashamed and afraid. I searched for words of reassurance, but all that I could speak were words of numbness and fear. I was so numb that I did not even react when he returned to the bedroom angrily shouting his frustration at me. As he knelt by the bed next to me, his eyes on the verge of tears, I wished I could show some kind of emotion to him. That I could cry with him, or at the very least smile at him.
As I lay there in the dark, alone again, I pleaded with God to let me feel something, anything! But as the exhaustion of the day took over me, I could still feel nothing but emptiness.
As he had so plainly confessed, my "moods" were terribly inconsistent. The very next day I couldn't get enough of him, as if I had never been afraid of him to begin with.
Thinking back on those couple of days, and a few others that had passed before, I can see how utterly frustrated and confused he must be! Though I am just as frustrated, as I can no more control the thoughts in my mind as he can! Nor can I account for my body's reactions to the feelings and sensations the thought patterns bring about. I had begun to think of removing myself from all of life-to end it all. Or to at the very least run away from all those I loved, so as to keep them from my pain. Both ideas were of course completely irrational and were dismissed as such. As much as I despise putting my loved ones through the pain of watching me deal with this, I would much rather have them by my side than go it alone.
I do not think that God has forsaken me as I once did, but I believe that He has a reason for my trials. As He has purpose for all things in life. I have gained so much knowledge and perspective on not only myself but on life itself. How people relate to one another. How we relate to God-especially in different circumstances. How we view ourselves.
It amazes me how little we rely on perspective and how much we rely on what is right in front of our faces. We need only to step back and take in the whole picture.