I've been in that "meant for something more" state of mind again here recently. It's not such a bad thing, but it always gets me discontented with where I happen to be at the moment. Especially when it comes to my employment. I don't have anything negative to say about my current job, except that I am continually bored. I hate being bored. Especially when I believe there are so many more productive things I'd rather be doing. Of course anything is more productive than staring at a computer screen entering the same data everyday or filing that could be done in your sleep. Although, if you asked me what my perfect job would be, I couldn't tell you. Most things that I'd like to do, I'm either not qualified for due to lack of education or don't actually pay anything. Which, honestly, is fine by me. I've never liked the idea of money or having to pay for things anyway.
I guess my biggest problem right now is my loss of significance. I just don't feel very needed or that I'm making much of a difference anymore. I have never looked to my job for fulfilment, mostly because I don't like working and none of my jobs have ever been what I REALLY wanted to do. But lately here, I have nothing else to really look at in terms of feeling significant. Most of my friends have never been very reliant upon my opinion of things, and honestly I don't think they would accept my thoughts for anything anyway. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly. But most of the time I feel it is a one way street. I have always known I would have very few true friends, but it has never been so obvious as it is now. I don't feel needed. Not by them anyway. My husband, of course needs me. He lovingly expresses that to me every day. And my dear Megan, my heart, that is a given. But what about significance in the world, in the broader scheme of things? What am I doing to add to His Kingdom? Who am I ministering to? Am I helping anyone with this path I am on?
I know I am in a place in my life where the people I counted as friends before will begin to dissipate and I will begin making new friends. But why does the process have to be so... separated? The overlap is not even overlapping! I feel so alone much of the time, though not entirely a bad thing. I have begun to see God in many ways I had not seen Him before. I have also begun playing guitar and writing lyrics again. But I have also begun to see how much I truly dislike being alone. Yet I am terrible at asking for companionship. I love my independence, yet I feel I am so dependant on companionship lately.
I guess I am going through a change in my life, in who I am. I don't dislike change, but I always seem to struggle with understanding where I am going in changing. Who will I become? How will things be different for me? Will they be different at all or will I have just changed perspectives?
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