I feel so alone. It seems the only thing that matters to me right now are my friends and family. I don't care about work. I don't care about the concerns of the world at all. I just want to spend time with the people I care about the most. Is this what most people spend their entire lives trying to figure out: that in the end all that matters is God and the people He has placed around you?
I am so tired of being pushed around by my past. I can't seem to shake it's hold on me. And every time I seem to drag someone new into my realm of darkness and fear. I am so frustrated with myself because I can't seem to get a grip on reality. The here and now.
I feel so detached, so separated from the worlds. I need comfort-but for what? I am so numb and I can't feel anything. I hate focusing on myself-I can't motivate myself to do anything productive-at all. I feel so disgusting and dirty. Like no matter how many times I shower- I'll never be clean. But I am clean!! I have been washed and restored and made whole! Then why do I allow my past to come and haunt me? I feel so weak, so helpless. I have been pushed to the limit, yet I am still standing here. I am still moving forward-even though I feel I have just taken several steps back in the healing process...
Is this how it works? Must I continue to return to this place time and again, just to learn how to keep moving on? Is this the "healing process"?
GOD!!! I am so frustrated! I guess this is my 'thorn in the side', perhaps? The cross I must bear? I understand the power of my testimony and the passion that I have for seeing the ugliness of sexual abuse brought to light makes me wonder if I will actually make some kind of difference. But the truth is, it won't matter in the end. Only how I choose to respond will matter. Only that I act in a way that will glorify my King. How do I do that in this situation? I cannot let myself be overcome with fear and anger. I must continue to remember who has saved me and that this all will one day disappear. Is it wrong to wish that day be today?
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-38
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