Something More

I've been in that "meant for something more" state of mind again here recently. It's not such a bad thing, but it always gets me discontented with where I happen to be at the moment. Especially when it comes to my employment. I don't have anything negative to say about my current job, except that I am continually bored. I hate being bored. Especially when I believe there are so many more productive things I'd rather be doing. Of course anything is more productive than staring at a computer screen entering the same data everyday or filing that could be done in your sleep. Although, if you asked me what my perfect job would be, I couldn't tell you. Most things that I'd like to do, I'm either not qualified for due to lack of education or don't actually pay anything. Which, honestly, is fine by me. I've never liked the idea of money or having to pay for things anyway.
I guess my biggest problem right now is my loss of significance. I just don't feel very needed or that I'm making much of a difference anymore. I have never looked to my job for fulfilment, mostly because I don't like working and none of my jobs have ever been what I REALLY wanted to do. But lately here, I have nothing else to really look at in terms of feeling significant. Most of my friends have never been very reliant upon my opinion of things, and honestly I don't think they would accept my thoughts for anything anyway. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly. But most of the time I feel it is a one way street. I have always known I would have very few true friends, but it has never been so obvious as it is now. I don't feel needed. Not by them anyway. My husband, of course needs me. He lovingly expresses that to me every day. And my dear Megan, my heart, that is a given. But what about significance in the world, in the broader scheme of things? What am I doing to add to His Kingdom? Who am I ministering to? Am I helping anyone with this path I am on?
I know I am in a place in my life where the people I counted as friends before will begin to dissipate and I will begin making new friends. But why does the process have to be so... separated? The overlap is not even overlapping! I feel so alone much of the time, though not entirely a bad thing. I have begun to see God in many ways I had not seen Him before. I have also begun playing guitar and writing lyrics again. But I have also begun to see how much I truly dislike being alone. Yet I am terrible at asking for companionship. I love my independence, yet I feel I am so dependant on companionship lately.
I guess I am going through a change in my life, in who I am. I don't dislike change, but I always seem to struggle with understanding where I am going in changing. Who will I become? How will things be different for me? Will they be different at all or will I have just changed perspectives?

Conversation

Too many thoughts

Yes, I'm still listening
You know, I don't think I want to go
Anymore

Then why didn't you tell me

Did I just say that out loud

What's going on
Why won't you look at me
I'm talking to you
Hey
Where are you going

I don't know what else to say to you
I think it's time we just move on

Where is this coming from
What's going on

I'm crashing and you can't hear me
My mind has too many voices
You can't see me anymore
Cause I've been hiding inside
I can't tell you that I love you
And I never
Want to leave you
I'm so confused by this feeling on the outside
You never were the one to see me
Crying

Wait don't go
I don't understand
Why can't we just talk about it
Work this out
You haven't even told me
What is it that you need
From me

I'm crashing
Falling down on the inside
Oh, no here I go
Catch me if you can

Baby, please don't leave me alone

I'm reaching out
To hold your hand
But all you can see is me
Walking out the door
Here we are
Only the door between us
I can hear you crying
And all I can do is ask
Why
Why, why, why
Can't I tell you I love you
Never want to leave you
But I'm already gone

Hello

Please come back
I miss you
Please tell me what's going on
We can work this out

You want to work this out

We can work this out

Open the door

Take my hand
Now you're holding me close
You're crying again
I never knew
How can I tell you
You're the only one for me
I can't live without you
But I can't open my mouth to scream
Not even a whisper comes to mind
I'm so scared
But you're holding my hand

What is it, baby
Please tell me

Here it goes
I think I'm dying
I can't breathe anymore
Squeeze my hand
Tell me it's alright
I'm suffocating with all of this inside
I need you to set me free

You're the only one for me

You smile
And I begin to cry

Oh, baby it's ok

No you don't understand
There's so much more
There is so much more inside
I'm so scared

You don't need to be

But that doesn't change
The fact that I am

Oh, my dear
I'm not gonna leave
I'll always be
Right here
For you

That is not
What scares me most
And you can't say that
You don't know

So tell me, love
I'm not afraid
Whatever you have to say
Whatever it is
That is holding you captive
Let it go
We can escape this

Are you sure

I am ready
I'm always ready for you

Mind Games

Tricky thing, the mind. Especially the place where it stores your memories. Often times the things we most want to forget are the easiest to remember. And those wonderful moments we long to cherish forever are oft removed before the memory is even fully made.

I keep asking myself, 'How do I hold on to the things I want to remember? And how do I let go of those things I'd rather not reflect on?' But no answer has come.

When will it rain? When will this desert of emotionless wandering be drenched in the cool downpour of feeling? I am not afraid to feel. I remember what it has been like before; to feel everything and wish to die to be relieved of the overwhelimg tourtment of everything all at once. I am no longer wary of knowing my emotions; living in their ebb and flow, the ever-changing way of things.

I am so tired of being numb. The things that used to move me have become mundane and meaningless. I have no joy, no peace, no love for the things that used to be my lifesource. Am I pushing too hard? Am I trying too much to feel?

Overwhelming odds to fight

Pushing pulling

No one's here to run you down

Anymore

I find out you can't stay

I never knew I would feel this way

Again

I tired to learn the hard way

But found it easier than I should

Cause I've been here too many times

I should have known

I should have never thought

You

Would be different

Everything's the same

When you came

I thought I'd found

Someone to listen

Someone to be mine

But all you did was take my heart and

Push me aside

I tried to learn the hard way

But found it easier than I should

Cause I've been here

Oh, so many times, too many times

Would you hold my hand, my love

I can't see him anymore

I'd rather take this knife out

Don't let me go away again

Let's just leave the bullet in

My heart can't take the waiting

Games

He plays

I run away again

Oh, please hold my hand

Hold my heart

Hold me close

I cannot feel you anymore

I know you're there

I can see you looking down at me

Whispering something sweet

But my ears only hear the voice from then

And you wonder when

I'll be back

What is the TRUTH?

I feel so blind. There is so much going on in my mind.
I can't feel anything and I really don't know how much more I can take.
I hate not being able to feel and respond to the love of my husband- to the love of my friends, my family. I don't feel angry or sad- there is only fear and pain-true real pain. It has been two weeks and I cannot understand why. I know that I am healed and free of this but my body and my mind have been overtaken.
The only reason that I believe I can push on is that I know these things: I am healed. I have been made whole & free of these things.
This is not something that should hold it's power over me.
The light is so hard to see- I am so exhausted and so tired of fighting. The push of my mind to throw my body out of whack is not TRUTH.

Awareness

I feel so alone. It seems the only thing that matters to me right now are my friends and family. I don't care about work. I don't care about the concerns of the world at all. I just want to spend time with the people I care about the most. Is this what most people spend their entire lives trying to figure out: that in the end all that matters is God and the people He has placed around you?
I am so tired of being pushed around by my past. I can't seem to shake it's hold on me. And every time I seem to drag someone new into my realm of darkness and fear. I am so frustrated with myself because I can't seem to get a grip on reality. The here and now.
I feel so detached, so separated from the worlds. I need comfort-but for what? I am so numb and I can't feel anything. I hate focusing on myself-I can't motivate myself to do anything productive-at all. I feel so disgusting and dirty. Like no matter how many times I shower- I'll never be clean. But I am clean!! I have been washed and restored and made whole! Then why do I allow my past to come and haunt me? I feel so weak, so helpless. I have been pushed to the limit, yet I am still standing here. I am still moving forward-even though I feel I have just taken several steps back in the healing process...
Is this how it works? Must I continue to return to this place time and again, just to learn how to keep moving on? Is this the "healing process"?
GOD!!! I am so frustrated! I guess this is my 'thorn in the side', perhaps? The cross I must bear? I understand the power of my testimony and the passion that I have for seeing the ugliness of sexual abuse brought to light makes me wonder if I will actually make some kind of difference. But the truth is, it won't matter in the end. Only how I choose to respond will matter. Only that I act in a way that will glorify my King. How do I do that in this situation? I cannot let myself be overcome with fear and anger. I must continue to remember who has saved me and that this all will one day disappear. Is it wrong to wish that day be today?

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-38

Honestly...

This is something I wrote about two and a half years ago. It is still one of my favorites just because there is so much raw emotion and honesty in it. A lot of it I still find myself struggling with at times... And there's part of it that could be a good song, too.


So what is the point of all of this? What does it matter to share my heart when no one cares to hear it? How can I speak when everyone can't hear me anyway?
Drown out the applause and the laughter in tears.
I can't expect them to understand my fear.
No one knows and it's all my fault
I try to run and hide
I try to find a way to scream it out loud
But all I am left with are the stares and temporary cares
I run out of excuses
I run out of tears
I run
I run
I run until I can't see straight and the only thing I've lost is who I am
I can't stand still anymore
They can see right through my facade
Can they? Are they really that perceptive?
Or do I have to tell them?
Do I have to spell it out?
I know you aren't blind and dumb
I know you know something isn't sitting right
And I don't blame anyone but myself for the things I feel
If I knew how to speak you would know every word that rages in my head
If I knew I could open my mouth and not feel a thing
But that never happens
I am never safe from feeling
What am I afraid of?
You?
Me?
Them?
Us?
We?
Who?
What?
Who knows what blocks my perception of grace
Who can tell me where my fear of you is rooted
So what am I trying to say to you?
I need you
I love you
I can't breathe and it's all falling to pieces
I'm so vague
So let me tell you straight
I'm bored out of my mind but I can't call you because I'm afraid of interrupting your life
I'm alone
And that scares me because I'm not sure what I may do and I can't hold on to you because you're not here
I'm lost and I don't know where to turn
This is not unfamiliar territory
In fact it's quite the opposite
I've been here so many times before
But I can't turn around and run away anymore
I have to face this
And I can't do it all alone
But I can't ask you to help me because I don't know what to do
So I've just been standing here
Hoping you would notice I'm not moving
So maybe I could open my mouth and cry
Maybe I could open my mouth and actually speak
But I am frozen in time
Many moments my reality is that of a ten year old girl afraid to even utter a whisper
One day, you'll see, I'll be free of this thing
And then you won't even know me
Cause I'll be gone and you'll still be here waiting for me
I'll fly away in the middle of the day
Not running anymore
Free to be whoever I am
Exploring my options
Running my own scam
Telling people that I care
But not really
Never staying in one place for long
Cause that's just too comfortable
I'll be free though, you'll see
I'll be out of this town, this idea, this mind
You won't see me anymore
Cause I won't be here
I won't be stuck in this place anymore...
But is that what we are really looking for?
Do I really need to leave you behind?
I'm not stuck in this place
I'm stuck in this mindset of not being free to speak
No matter how far I go
It'll always follow me
Never letting me go
Until I let loose my grip on this thing
This thing I can't even identify
But when I let it go you have to help me
Cause I don't even know what I'm letting go of
You have to remind me I'm alright
Without this thing of pain
I'm alright just being me
Set me free
I'm tired of being alone and scared
So I'm telling you everything
But you can't look away
You can't avoid the ugliness
Cause this thing that has it's hold on me is ugly
And I can't even stand to look at it
But I have to face it
I have to look it in the eye and say no more
But how can I expect you to help me if you don't even know what's going on?
How do I know you are listening?
How can I be sure you are here by my side?
I guess I'll just have to speak
I guess I'll just have to tell you
Are you here?
Can you hear me?

What is this?

I am drowning. My lungs are burning from the lack of oxygen. I try to kick towards the surface, but my legs are tied. This is new. It is always the anxiety, but I'm not sure what this is all about. I can feel the fear as it grabs my ankles and drags me further below the surface. Where is the trigger? I've never been very good at really identifying them; my situations are always different. I scream. The last of my breath floats up toward the surface. My hands, following the bubbles, try fruitlessly to hold on to them.

My stomach is in knots, my chest rapidly caving in upon me. I cannot rationalize this fear, this anxiety. The more I try to talk it out, the more confused I become. What am I afraid of? Why are my hands trembling and why is my head spinning? I can't think straight anymore unless I focus on a goal. Even then I must take small steps towards it.

On the verge of tears, I speak. But what I say offers no clues. I want to sob, to cry uncontrollably. But I hold back the tears and speak softly. I am trembling. Is it the chill in the air or am I terrified of what I am saying? What am I saying? I can't remember.

I can still feel the pain. It is in my core and it's making me nauseous. My brain won't shut off, won't kick the image out. Oh, God! the pain! I tell myself not to think about it, but I don't really listen very well. Have I once again entered in to the world of remembering? Shall I remain in this place for a while, even though it is so painful? How do I rid myself of these bonds and push myself to the surface?

The List

So this is something that I wrote nearly three years ago. It is amazing to me to see how much and yet how little has changed for me. It's funny that this still says so much about how I am feeling. Maybe it really is this time of year...

So thoroughly have I drained myself, so unimportant pride begone

How do i tear the heart of stone to shreds so that only your heart of flesh remains?

Where do I go to pull myself up again?

How do I face you? How do I scream?

Explosions of fear and anger

Who would have thought a mouse could roar?

Can I let myself go? Do I share this utter tragedy?

Am I weak enough to run away? Do I have the strength to remain?

Can I speak with a look?

Will my heart break to share this pain?

Or mst I forever remain in the fear of never being heard?

If I speak, I am broken

If I do not, I am boarded up and forgotten

Oh, God! Teach me to scream!

To cry, to fall, to be broken down

To be vulnerable

Open me

Give me the voice I need to whisper

The ears I need to hear your own

Make me strong enough to stay

Weak enough to run away

From fear, from apathy, from unforgiveness

My pride is torn

Rip it from my trembling hands

Words unspoken whisper

Peace unimpressed percieved

Bitterness uninvited abandonded

Grace unaccepted lavished

Lips unsealed, mercy appealed

Tolerance is no longer the answer

Frustration

Anger, hate blocking my view

I can no longer see you

How did I turn? Where did i run to stand on my own?

Am I running for the sake of escape?

Or for the focus of problems already laid down?

Daily

Give up

Take in

Begin

End

Reconcile

Alienate

Forgive

Convict

Forget

Remember

Running never saved anyone

Fleeing doesn't solve the problem

Giving up when all is lost

When would we be challenged?

How would we grow?

My heart torn from it's colw unwelcoming birthplace

Thrown into your fire

Burned

Melted

Molded

Formed

Into the feeling beating passionate

Evidence of grace

Now truly a heart of worth

Pure

Whole

Uncalloused

Transformed

What is the meaning of words unspoken?

When is the moment they are transformed into defining truths?

Spoken secrets

Hidden pain revealed

Unveiled tragedy

Scars unseen exposed

Tears unfallen surrendered

Life and death

Turth and deceit

Joy and despair

Unexposed I hold too dear to this pain

Breaking Point

Everyone has their breaking point. If you push hard enough, you will find it. I have been crushed. Crumbled to pieces and I didn't even know it. For a while. But then when I tried to look at you, I couldn't even smile. That's when I knew. That's when I felt the last piece fall to the floor. I tried to stand strong, I really did. But everyone has their breaking point.

I am so tired, oh so very tired. And I am hoping that I'm not depressed. I can feel that I may be, but I don't want to be. There is so much hope, so much love that has surrounded me, yet I feel so sad. What am I sad about? Have I been remembering too much recently? It doesn't hurt like it used to, so why am I feeling so much? Not everything is a negative emotion (even some "negative" emotions are good when used properly). Elation, joy, love, and compassion have all been frequently felt. However they are often coupled with fear, anger, shame, and apprehension. Am I unconcsiously defending myself from an imagined enemy? Am I reliving the emotions of the past-but these are not the same-because I am working more towards recounting them? I feel sad and happy at the same time. My brain does not know what to do, I keep having small flashes of me falling. Am I afraid I will lose myself again?