I've been very contemplative lately. And also very introverted about my thoughts and feelings. I haven't even really talked to my closest friends about what has been going on in my mind. There is a lot I have been pondering, mostly about my past, but also about what my past has to do with my future. I have also been struggling with the realization that the way I relate to God has not been adequate to my needs. I have been too much relying upon others to help me and meet my needs when God is the only One that truly can. My heart aches for closeness, yet I do not take the time to draw close to God. I do not understand my hesitation, except that I have always struggled with the idea of being close to someone that I cannot see, touch, hear or feel. I do see His work in creation and in my own life and I have felt His presence around me a few times. But it is not the same to me as a physical person who can stand right in front of me. Who I can cling to with my own two hands. However, all my life I have been taught that it is possible to have the type of relationship you have with a human being with God the Father. But the older and more independent I have become, the harder this seems to be for me.
Another thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is my relationship with people. Which I guess would go hand in hand with my struggle with relating to God. You can't really expect to fully be able to love and unselfishly serve other people if you don't even know how to relate to Love Himself! I have such a terrible problem with asking for help, and sometimes I feel like all I want is some attention. But then is that always a bad thing? To need someone to pay attention to you for more than ten seconds doesn't seem unreasonable. But to feel that all you ever do is vie for attention-that is bad. I never want to be that person, but I don't think I ever learned how to communicate with people very well. Words are so final to me. Speaking is so very dangerous because you cannot ever take those words back. Writing is different. You can cross out what you don't like or what you don't want to be read later. Speaking has a very real vulnerability to it that scares the crap out of me. I almost never say what I am really thinking; not that I am dishonest-I am just not as raw and blunt as I am in my head. Many times I have been walked upon because I did not voice my thoughts on an issue. I have gotten better with that, but when it comes to what's inside of me-I have only hidden behind my smile and my notebooks.
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