Self Examination

"Enjoy what you're given" she said. Just a simple phrase that triggered the most insightful examination into myself I think I have ever taken. Why it would cause this, I have no idea. But I do know that I didn't like what I was looking at.
I am lazy; enormously lazy. And I lack the self discipline to correct that very readily. Anything I have ever tried to do on my own I have lost steam within only a few months. If I even make it that far… I lack the dedication, motivation and discipline to keep myself moving forward. Why don’t I have any self discipline? There is a spiritual and emotional piece missing. I have so much knowledge of God yet I do not know my God. Not as well as I should or as closely as it would seem.
I am a fake. Not intentionally, or not as intentionally as the statement itself would imply. I have lived my life on the edge of intimacy. Not too far away as to show lack of interest or trust. But also not close enough to let myself be changed. I have been changed by God. He does not need my help in doing so. But I believe that there is so much more He wants to show me, so many things about Himself and His purpose for me that I cannot see because I do not take the time to look for it. I also believe that I have been struggling so much with my emotions because I do not truly know what those emotions stand for. This is partly due to the fact that I do not pay very close attention to what I am feeling, but also due to the fact that I have not truly taken the time to really identify what my emotions are. What they feel like when I am feeling them, what reactions I give based on how I am feeling, ect.
It all comes down to the fact that I have not made much effort to change the way I am. I have been apathetic and uninterested in taking the steps I needed to move forward. You cannot continue unless you are moving forward. If you are moving backwards, you are not continuing but only retracing your steps. A change in any other direction is to cease on the journey you are on and to begin a new one.
I am terrible at self help; or asking for help; or allowing help to be given. I can come to the aid of others very readily, but I choose to ignore my own problem for the sake of someone else. I wonder why I keep coming back to the same issues, yet I never try to do much about the issue! I have often blamed this on not wanting to “burden” others with my problems but what it actually comes down to is pride. I believe that no one can help me with my situation, when in fact I often cannot do anything about it without the help of others! I usually give little to no thought with bothering God with my problems, thinking if He really wanted to help me I shouldn’t have to ask Him! Which is completely ridiculous because we have the free will to ask for and accept His help if we so choose.
Choice. I do not choose to move forward. I choose to stay stagnant; I choose to stay where I am. I do not know if this stems from my belief of inadequacies, or if I am just stubborn and believe that it will get done in its own time apart from me. In many cases that can be true. But in most, it is up to me to make a move or the opportunity is lost forever.