Determination

Mark and I had a very important fight yesterday morning. I say important because it made me own up to things that I had not yet been willing to admit about myself. I am lazy, selfish, undisciplined and mostly I had not cared about anything at all the past few days. To be honest, I had become quite bitter. I did not want to have to work anymore. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to stay at home and take care of things there without the added pressure of going somewhere else to work for eight hours of the day. We talked about things for a little while and I decided I would try harder to be content with where we were in our lives.
But I know it is more than just me trying to do better. First off, I can never do it in my own power! I know that everything comes down to the simple truth that my relationship with God leaves much to be desired. The fact that I have grown bitter towards the reality that He is my only answer, has only increased my sense of carelessness. I have recently wondered what He would say to me if He were to return now. Would He not know me? Or would I be one who has but wandered from the fold?
I am not saying that I do not love God, or that I do not desire to be closer to Him. I am just lazy and undisciplined. I cannot ask Him to move any closer to me, I must make myself take the steps to move myself closer to Him. Perhaps I need to stop looking for motivation. If I keep waiting for it, I will never get to where I want to be. I cannot make my gain for someone else's purpose; I cannot say I am doing this for someone else because no one needs me to do it! Sure I will be a better wife, sister, daughter, friend, and eventually mother by having a strong and sure relationship with God, but that does not mean I must make that my aim. It must be done for the soul. Because I love God enough to prove it to Him. Do I love God enough to want to spend time with Him? Even if that means getting up at 5a.m.? I can't even get up at 6a.m.! But if I love God I will do it. For my own good, not for any other reason. It's not legalistic, or something I have to do to be a Christian. It's about my life source, my power, my passion. I have been passionless for months, I have felt powerless for weeks, and I am feeling myself fade away physically, emotionally, and most certainly spiritually. I can do nothing without Christ! That has not been more evident than it is right at this moment.
I am done with relying on other people to keep me going, to have the answers that I need, and to be my source of life! They are just as insufficient as I am! I can only hope and pray that my determination does not dwindle in the wee hours of the morning...