I don't know if I'm just being selfish or if I am actually lonely and have a legitimate problem that needs to be addressed...either way I need to be praying about it. But I feel I am becoming almost bitter about God being the only answer to my problems. And it's not that I am upset that He is, but I guess I dislike that it makes me realize that I do not rely on God for anything it seems. And that comes back to my lack of discipline and focus and desire to pursue Him and His plan for my life. How do you pray for the desire to pray? I guess it all comes down to just doing it until it becomes more than just a daily practice. Until it becomes necessary for survival.
I am lost in my own emotions. I cannot understand myself or why I feel so alone. I have a wonderful husband that loves me more than I could ever ask. Perhaps this time of the absence of friends and family time is so that I can focus on my relationships with my husband and my Savior.
But I feel so trapped inside my own head. I cannot verbally express the things that I am feeling and thinking. My heart is silent, frozen in fear of alerting attention. Have I become so afraind of intimacy that I totally shut down when I get to a certain point with someone? My mouth has frogotten how to form words, my throat is dry and my voice shakey. When I speak, it is but a whisper to your ears, but to my own it is loud as thunder.
It seems I have forgotten how to be comfortable, how to be open with the ones I love.
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